


Abnormal

by Seraph_Novak



Series: Destiel One-Shots [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Coda, Confessions, Episode: s11e17 Red Meat, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, M/M, One Shot, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 01:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6449635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seraph_Novak/pseuds/Seraph_Novak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's conversation with Michelle cuts deeper than he expected. But surely that has nothing to do with Cas... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abnormal

_After everything we survived together… I watched the man I love die._

_There's no normal after that._

~~~

Dean sinks into the seat opposite Sam and sighs, throwing back a generous gulp of warm beer. The drive back from Idaho had been a long one; checking into crappy motel rooms at five a.m. was bad enough without Sam fussing over his bullet wound all night.  

"You want me to, uh… change your bandages?"

Sam waves him off, "Nah, Dean. It's… I'm fine, okay? The wound's clean, so let's just get back to what's really important."

"You mean saving Cas, right?" He says more than asks, "Cos I'm done with ignoring him, alright? I'm done with pretending that he's gonna be fine."

"Dean –"

"No more small cases, no more delays. We save Cas, ya hear me?"

Sam shifts in his seat, wincing slightly as the table presses against his wound, "I'm all for getting Cas back, man. You know that."

"Oh, really? Cos it kinda feels like you've been pushing case after case," He says coldly, "The devil's riding our friend's ass, but you'd rather fight werewolves, so…"

"Don't pin this on me," Sam says quietly, "I know you miss him, and I know it hurts, but… This isn't our fault, Dean."

"Yeah, right." He scoffs, slamming his bottle against the table with a bang.

Sam leans back into his seat and sighs. He's wearing one of those signature bitchfaces of his and Dean has the sudden urge to punch his little brother in the face – bullet wound be damned. No matter what Sam says, he knows that Cas' decision is on him.

"I'm a crappy friend," Dean pinches the bridge of his nose in dejection, "I should’ve… I-I was never there, Sammy. I never told him…"

"Look, Dean. He… He knows, alright? He knows that we care –"

"It's different."

"What? What's different?" Sam asks, throwing his hands in the air, "We're his friends. He's our family. He _knows_ that we care, Dean."

"No, it's not… You don't get, okay? You don't know him like I do."

Sam shakes his head, "Oh, right. I forgot. You guys have a 'profound bond'."

"Screw you."

"When are you gonna sort out your crap?" Sam snaps, "It doesn't make you less of a man, you know?"

Dean reaches for another beer and scowls, "I dunno what you're talkin' about…"

Sam's bitchface has melted into something soft and pitiful, and it makes him feel sick. A gooey heart-to-heart won't do Cas any favours; a ton of research and plenty of fight is the only thing that can save him right now, and the last thing Dean wants is to waste valuable time hugging it out with Sam.

"He knows that you tried," Sam says after a beat of silence, "What you've been through, it's… Well, Cas understands, Dean. You know he does."

Dean fakes a laugh, "What? He knows that I all but _gave up on him_ , yeah? That I've been more occupied with God's freakin' sister than him? That I can't say what I feel cos I'm coward? He knows all of that?!"

"Dean, calm down –"

"No! I'm done, alright? I can't… I can't do this anymore!"

"You can't just _give up_ –"

"Oh, I'm not givin' up," He says through gritted teeth, "I'm gonna save Cas, and one way or another, I'm gonna ice the devil. But I'm done with pretending that everything's peachy, okay?"

Sam laughs, "When have our lives ever been peachy?"

"Right," Dean allows himself a small smile, "Our lives kinda suck, don't they?"

The grin on Sam's face is slightly contagious, but he refuses to let this turn into a chick flick moment. All he wants to do is kick back with a couple more beers and get back to finding Lucifer before it's too late. The worst case scenario is not something he can bare to think about, quite frankly.

"You really miss him, don't you?" Sam whispers.

"Sam. Don't…"

"We'll get him back, Dean."

"How do you know?" He asks, hating the way his words sound like a whimper, "What if you're right? What if he… What if Cas did this on purpose? Cos of me?"

Sam frowns, "What do you mean, cos of you? Why would he –?"

"I dunno, I just… He's a dork, ya know? He gets into this crap thinkin' he's doin' the right thing."

"And you think it's your fault?"

Dean shrugs, "No, man. It's not that. I mean, I –"

"Dean," Sam cuts him off, "What are you talking about? What's going on?"

Dean's shoulders slump as he turns away, pursing his lips to stop anymore crap from coming out of his mouth. He gets gabby when he's angry, and saying something stupid and feelsy and gross ain't gonna help the situation.

"Dean. You can talk to me, you know? I won't _judge_ you."

"Judge me?" Dean scoffs, "I'm a train wreck, man. What's goin' on upstairs, it's… I'm out of my goddamn mind, Sammy."

Sam sighs, "C'mon, that's not true."

"Really? Cos I don't feel like myself anymore."

"No one can blame you, Dean. I mean, after everything you've been through with the mark, and now _Amara_ –"

"Thank you, Sam!" Dean says, swallowing another mouthful of beer, "No need to remind me how screwed up my life is!"

Sam chuckles, "Well, at least we're screwed up together."

"You big sap…"

"But seriously, Dean," A hand touches his shoulder gently – the kind of comfort they missed growing up, "If there's something going on with you and Cas… Well, you can tell me. I'm not gonna pretend that I understand whatever you two have, but-but I can at least try to be your brother. Just… talk to me, Dean. _Please._ "

Dean shrugs away Sam's hand, but smiles; they may not be together under normal circumstances, but the Winchester bros have never given up on each other. He trusts Sam with whatever crap is swimming around inside his head, but he's scared. How the hell is he supposed to explain something that not even he understands himself?

"I dunno, man…" He sighs, "S'just something Michelle said, 'bout Corbin and the whole…"

"Trying to kill me thing?"

Dean snorts, "Uh, yeah. She was just saying how Corbin wasn't really… He wasn't a monster, ya know? He just did it for her. He thought he was doin' the right thing," He shrugs, leaning back in his chair to prop up his feet on the table, "I guess I can kinda relate."

"Because you know how it feels?" Sam says almost silently, eyes downcast to the floor, "You know what it's like to lose someone you love…"

"Well, yeah. I lost mom, I lost dad… Bobby, Ellen, Jo –"

"No, Dean," Sam lifts his gaze and sighs, "You know what it's like to lose someone you _love._ Like, a soulmate, or something."

"Sam, what are you –?"

"It's Cas, isn't it?" Dean freezes, "I know it is, Dean… You're _grieving_ over losing him, when it's not even over yet! He's gone, and you feel like crap because you didn't tell him how you feel."

Dean swallows thickly and turns away, resting his chin on his fist as he avoids Sam's eyes, "You're an idiot."

"Oh, c'mon, Dean! _I'm_ the idiot? Says the guy who's so emotionally constipated, he can't even admit he's in love with a freaking _angel_ of the lord!"

"It's not… I-I don't even –"

Sam groans, "Just quit pretending for _once_ , alright? You really think I care? You really think it _matters_ –?"

"Course it matters!" Dean scrapes back his chair with a shout, "I didn't realize until he was gone and now it's too late!" He scrubs away a stray tear with the back of his hand, "Cas is gonna die cos I couldn't tell him how I… how he… I-I just can't…"

"Dean… It's alright."

He laughs bitterly, rolling his bottle off the table so it smashes across the floor, "It's not alright, Sammy."

Silence settles over them like a unwelcome blanket, dry and scratchy against their skin. He never thought he'd admit to loving Cas inside his head, let alone to Sam, but now it's out there. He feels like he's thrown up; there's this hazy relief of finally letting go, as well as the urge to crawl into bed and never wake up again.

"We'll get through this," Sam says eventually, "It's gonna be hard, but you'll –"

"Get back to normal? No, Sam. I won't," _Michelle was right,_ "Cas is gone, and I failed him… As a friend. As a… whatever we were… I failed him."

Sam snaps his mouth shut and looks down, absently playing with his bandages through his shirt. He knows how it feels as well as Dean does; he lost Jess, and that all but broke him. To say he's the same dorky little guy studying to be a lawyer at Stanford wouldn't be true, and that's a fact. Plain and simple.   

Dean slips back into his chair and reaches for another beer, ignoring the broken shards of glass surrounding his feet, "I love him, and now he's gone. There's no normal after that, Sammy."

**Author's Note:**

> I've yet to proofread this, so sorry for any mistakes... Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are very much appreciated ♥


End file.
